Cleaning out the stuff in our lives

The county's annual Relay for Life fundraiser is coming up in early June. As many of you know, this worthwhile event - which is also held in counties across the state and nation - raises money to help folks with cancer. As part of our local relay there is a used book sale, which has become very popular.

The timing of this sale works well with personal efforts to simplify my life. I spent the first 50 years accumulated stuff and since then have spent time getting rid of stuff, including lots of books. So, it just seemed logical to donate these to the relay's book sale.

These books cover a variety of subjects: old college texts, biographies, resource books, humor, philosophical, how-to, and fiction. Some of them deal with my occupation. These include subjects used as fodder for my weekly columns. Many of these were purchased when there was a book store next door to the office, which was very handy when facing a deadline have having absolutely nothing to write about.

I also have various types of dictionaries, almanacs and encyclopedias. Of these, there were several I'm not sure anyone else will find interesting, but they're being donated to the sale, just the same.

For example there was Webster's Original Collegiate Unabridged Unadulterated Dictionary for Gullible People

*The Idiots Guide to April Fools Jokes

*The World of Hard Knocks, Volume 17

*The People Will Fall for Anything Dictionary

*The Fools' Compendium

*Dan's Complete Encyclopedia of Time Wasting at Work.

*One of my favorites, read several times: 500 Yards to the Outhouse by Willy Mekkett

*The Silly American Questions Dictionary

*Bobby's Complete Dikshinaree uv the English Language

*I'm No Fool - Guide to Words and Phrases

*The World According to Howard

*Spenser's New and Improved Guide for Gullible Internet Users

*George's New Southern Dictionary with Fried Chicken Recipes

*and, last but not least, Little Known Facts (A 46-volume set)

Heard in the pew

The following two stories were overheard, while sitting in a church pew from the service began, last Sunday.

Two elderly ladies were out driving in a large car - both of them could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just sailed on through.

The passenger thought "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!"

After a few more minutes they came to a stop sign. Again the driver went through the intersection without stopping. The passenger was now almost sure about this, but was really concerned she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the intersection, sure enough, the light was red and her friend drove straight though it. So, the passenger said, "Mildred, did you know we've run two red lights and a stop sign.? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

Here's the second story: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing Gin Rummy when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her longtime friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just sat there and didn't say a word. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know."